So I brought up my agony with this group of friends at group therapy.
Steve used a parallel: he asked if the three of us have been been dumped before.
Two of us said yes, while one has been married really early on in her life, so no, she has not experienced being dumped romantically.
Us two “dumpees” shared our experience of being dumped. What was said, how was it being done. She shared that one of her dumpers did it via text/email, and she felt he did not have the guts to face her to tell her in person! I was wondering if this group of friends would feel the same, since I was intending to email them too!
Steve then shared his own examples of two occasions when he faced situations that did not meet his needs – though not in romantic situations. He made up his mind on cutting ties, he verbalised his intention to the necessary parties, and regardless of the reaction, he knew he did right by himself. After which, he left.
It was definitely me being codependent and fearing people would hate me. I fear rejection and what people think of me!!! Yet, I have to let go of my “ideal outcome”, since that is 100% out of my control.
This reminds me of all my past relationships, and when I tendered my resignation at previous jobs. Throwing in the towel at work always felt like a break-up to me. I was the dumper in all my previous relationships, except for one casual one. But you see, my heart was already dead while in the relationship, before it was officially off. So maybe it was easier to announce goodbyes to a guy you don’t feel anything for anymore. And maybe this time, I do feel guilt for causing any potential hurt to these three girls who have technically not done anything wrong to me. (Not that any of my ex-es have been bad people either, but still…)
The fellow “dumpee” had a “dumper” story: She felt this friend was not meeting her needs and simply informed her that she’d be happy carrying on the relationship but only via email. I wish I KNEW how to do that 🙁
Meeting one’s needs – I need to write an entry on this. This phrase and notion has not been in my awareness before therapy started. I’m too used to people not caring about my needs, I’ve been conditioned that I myself stand up for my own needs, but in a convoluted way, I let people have their way and suppress my own needs, and I end up with a lot of pent up angst, become miserable and blow up at some point.
Yes, I am screwed up that way.
I am still deciding how to carry out Project: Letting Go of Friends (Who don’t meet My Needs). Will update if anything.
PS. I don’t know if any of my group therapy mates thought I was a broken record, but in this case, I was projecting. Steve says everyone does it all the time. The best way to stop projecting is to validate by either coming up with a list and verifying it by observation or asking aloud. This is a hugely relieving process, though the person you’re verifying with may or may not be truthful or forthcoming. Humans are so annoying.