You know when you come across “letting go of the past” quotes?
And you see something in the likes of: Letting Go of Things That No Longer Serve You?
I went for my 3rd session of art therapy. And this is my main takeaway from it: Whatever relationship that doesn’t serve you, let it go.
The art therapist did not phrase it so succinctly though.
This is how it unfolded…
I have no friends
We were on the topic of friends.
I told her how I have “none”.
I don’t have anyone I can call for dinner last minute. I like to go out for drinks, but there is no one I can ask out for drinks (except my husband, but he doesn’t really like to go out these days), nor coffee, dessert, etc. I mean, I don’t mind going to a bar alone, but those types of days for me are over. And so now I drink at home, by myself – which I don’t mind. But yeah, it does get lonely without company.
The only person who I can ask out has moved to another country. And I can’t say I’m that close to her, though I do care for her as a friend.
I basically lead a very lone existence day to day. Since I am self-employed, I have no colleagues. I don’t have much opportunity to make real connections with people.
I told her I’m watching New Girl now, and one of the reasons is I really love the friendships that the characters have with each other. They are roommates who are a very tight-knit bunch, like a family. They hang out inside their loft, at the bar where one of them works, wherever else… always have each other’s backs despite all their individual quirks and amidst all their screwball shenanigans.
I also told her I envy people who have gal pals, because I have none.
Jess and Cece from New Girl are BFFs. And so are Meredith and Cristina in Grey’s Anatomy.
I gave the example of Grey’s Anatomy where the infamous TV series quote, “You’re my person”, was coined. Meredith is Cristina’s person, and vice versa. I wish I have someone to call “my person” 🙁
But, the seedling of a friendship that started to grow (since March) was my friendship with my CoDA friend, JF. She said my friendship with him shows me that I am capable of starting relationships with new people (yes, it was me who approached him first at a CoDA meeting), and I’m well-able to maintain them like how I have with him — with respect, with boundaries, with spontaneity, with safety.
While we were wrapping up, my sadness started tumbling out of me and I began rattling off a summary of all the friends that I’ve been disappointed by and left me high and dry… Before I could finish, she aptly used the analogy of TV shows since we talked about them earlier.
She said JF is my Season 1, Episode 1.
Healthy relationships: Season 1, Episode 1
When she said that, it all clicked in my head. I immediately got it.
JF represents my first friend that I made while in recovery. Whoever else who came before this part of my life doesn’t matter, does not “exist”. There are no episodes that precede Episode 1. Like all the other friends who have disappointed me, have not been around for me, left me, etc. They belong to Episode 0.
And there will be Episode 2, 3, 4 and so on…
I mean, what better place to foster new – and healthy – relationships than at support groups? Up till now, I have felt pathetic that I have no other friends outside my recovery circles. I really really wish for some. But I realise now that I may not be ready. Since Codependency is about an unbalance in relationships and interaction with people. So, it’s perfectly alright that it starts where it’s the healthiest and the SAFEST. And then things will expand from there. Trust that my recovery is in perfect timing. Trust in the process.
It became clear to me. Crystal clear.
And then this phrase flashed across my mind: Whatever relationship that doesn’t serve you, let it go.
Unhealthy relationships no more
I know there’s the teaching that the people who “don’t belong” in your life will fall away during recovery. And I saw that happening. At the same time, I felt sad at seeing it happening for real. I guess I was in mourning. But now, with this new understanding, I am no longer sad.
There are relationships (or shadows of relationships) I’ve held on to longer than I should’ve. They have stopped serving me a long time ago. There are people who have not talked to me in more than a year, and I’ve been carrying this disappointment and sadness toward these “unavailable” people. I stopped taking the initiative with them, and they stopped communicating with me. Such FRIENDS, huh? It has always been me initiating texts, me wanting to stay in touch, me wanting to meet up. Don’t they want to see ME???
I’ve droned on and on about them to my husband for the longest time. And he’s sick of listening to this broken record. I stopped talking about it, because I honestly thought I was over them since I’ve been struggling with this foryears now.
I never knew what “serve” meant
I have heard of this phrase before, but I never knew what “serve” meant.
Now I know.
It means whatever that doesn’t support you, whatever that is not of service to you.
Funny, how the right analogy can really turn on the lights up there. And illuminate the darkness. Not to mention the sadness, which I’ve been carrying around for such a long time. I thought I was over them but the fact that I still talk about them tells me I’m “not over” them.
But now, more than ever, I’m ready to be over them.
She also taught me everyone fits into my life like a big jig-saw puzzle. Everyone has their role and purpose. I’m the one to choose if I want them in my life, or not. So not everyone will fit my exact criteria of a “friend”, but they may fit in however else. This too made a lot of sense.
Let go of things that no longer serve you
I thank the Universe for this enlightenment.
It gives me hope for the future where I will meet Episode 2, 3 and 4, etc…
So, in conjunction with my previous Instagram posts about surrender, shoo-ing away thoughts that I don’t need, my quote pic was born:
For thoughts that don’t serve you, for relationships that don’t serve you… let them go.
Do you have trouble letting go of people, of the past, of things…? Go ahead and share in the comments below. I’ve love to chat more about foregone friendships for sure.