I talked to my old friend S a few days ago, and these words still linger and loom:
“I know you want to be close to your sister…”
I didn’t pay much attention to it at first. But last night I got a bit emotional. Because it seems like these words speak my heart.
I’m not sure why it takes someone to say to me what I’m actually thinking/feeling to make such an impact on me. It’s like looking in the mirror for the first time, and seeing the truth.
I’ve not actively thought of this desire. I just know the sadness that I feel regarding my almost non-existent relationship with my sister.
I am collateral damage
When reflecting upon it now, I think it was because I assumed this closeness with her, that was not real because it was only one-way. I learnt a year ago from her now-husband (in confidence) that she wishes to extricate herself from her family, myself included, and he used the words “collateral damage” to describe me.
That was news to me, but it then made a lot of sense regarding her behaviour growing up and as an adult. This seemed to be the answer to how she was hurting the family all along. I wish I saw it sooner.
My hope vs reality
Inside, I always wished that my family was at least “together”, doesn’t have to be loving, just at least sticking together somehow (despite my parents being divorced). Well, I don’t know what to do with my desire of closeness to my only sister. But it is what it is. Along the way I also need to learn to detach in love.
Is there anything you’re not seeing or don’t wish to see? (I’m not sure if that’s considered denial.)
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