We are not responsible for someone else’s feelings
I finally sent my soon-to-be brother-in-law a text telling him how I feel toward his behaviour and attitude toward me. I composed it carefully, ensuring that I used “I” statements and did not accuse him in any way.
I now have to leave it; however he chooses to respond is entirely HIM, nothing to do with me. (Let go and let god; do my part and let go of the outcome)
I did not understand this at first, when I first started recovery. Only until recently.
Anyone can get offended or upset with ANYTHING someone else says, even if it were not intentionally offending, or even if it is, but it has everything to do with the receiver than the giver.
If someone says crap about you, you may be hurt initially, but if you’re sure of yourself and your value and the truth, you’d brush it aside, because you know it’s just people saying shit.
Likewise, people tend to think that they’ve to walk on eggshells around people all the time because they think their actions affect everyone – they want to make sure no one gets hurt, no one gets angry with them, no one rejects them. But this is impossible. No one can cater to everyone.
This is something I had to learn and am still learning.
My usual mode: what if I say this and upsets this person? What if I say it in another way instead? How do I make sure they don’t get mad at me?
I’m not used to saying how I feel, because I wasn’t allowed a voice growing up. And so now I struggle with saying my part, and fear people disagreeing or rejecting me. Which is what CAN happen. I just gotta agree to disagree, and accept that not everyone will agree with my view.
I fear rejection and shame from others. I fear how others see me (Low Self Esteem). I want others to like me. These are my Codependent traits.
I think it is growth that I ascertained which was his business, which was mine; which was his part to play, which was my part that I can control. I used I-statements; I said how “I” feel, not how he should act, etc.
Let’s see how this pans out. May my Higher Power see me through.
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