There is no shame in having enough sleep.
This is what I said aloud to my husband, as he was falling asleep on the couch (as he usually does).
It may have spoken to him more than I expected. He replied: “Yes, there is” (jokingly) and then went off to brush his teeth and go to bed proper.
Every night it’s a struggle for him. And me. He will sleep really late, sometimes even at dawn. He seems to want to expand all his energy and simply doze off wherever he is midway of whatever he is doing. While at his laptop working, while watching TV. Even when in bed, he will be looking at his phone, phone occasionally falling on his face while dozes off, but still DOESN’T put it away.
I’ve had enough parenting him, and trying to parent him feeds my Codependency, which I’ve decided to stop doing
- I am the saviour figure, which I shouldn’t be
- I cross what should be healthy boundaries in trying to control his actions, i.e., take off his glasses when he falls asleep in them, put away his phone, wake him up for work when he is close to oversleeping, etc
- I try to control his actions verbally by nagging him to go sleep on the bed
I’ve always thought in frustration, that he should be “old” enough to know what to do – apparently not.
Steve said some time ago, without given much context, said it may be the unwillingness to give up control to sleep, because sleeping necessarily means you stop controlling your conscious actions.
While I, after being in therapy for some time now, and newly acquainted to what an Inner Child is, have deduced that my husband may have come to associate sleeping with shame.
And that’s what inspired me to say what I did yesterday.
- I think it is likely that he associates sleep with laziness. I’m not sure who or what exactly gave him that idea. But I can relate, because that was what was said to me when I was young too.
- He may also be insecure about his accomplishments as an adult, so he thinks by pushing hours till late working and sleeping “less” makes up for it.
- Funny though, sometimes he isn’t working but just watching TV and falling asleep; maybe he just likes the “freedom” as an adult and pushes the limits on being awake.
- The reckless and irresponsible thing he does is NOT set his alarm clock for the next day, even though he knows he tends to fall asleep wherever, whenever. When he wakes up late, he gets up in panic and fear, and immediately checks his phone for the time. I’ve seen this happen so many times! I’m sure this stresses the heart a lot and is not good for his health 🙁
I used to nag him to bed when he was falling asleep all over the place. He will get mad because he thinks I’m being bossy and demanding as opposed to caring, and finally he told me to just leave him alone because he doesn’t like being told what to do.
I hope what I said about shame truly resonated within him, and that it will continue to every night. Him not going to sleep proper 9 out of 10 times, plus being reckless/irresponsible about his schedule the next day, bothers me on many fronts.
But that will be a post for another day.